I sucked at October. I didn't even look at November. Now, as I look at my desk and see my notes, I know what my theme for December is. Infertility. And to be honest, it's the theme for the rest of my life, not just this month.
Words that didn't mean anything to me last year, are suddenly all over. IUI. Low Morphology. Bad shape. Bad Quality. 42 days is not normal. Poor eggs after 28 days. Clomid.
It makes my stomach hurt. It makes me sick. I want to scream and stomp my feet and inform the world, like a small child, that it's not fair.
So, what's next? Weight loss and vitamins, then artificial insemination- using my husbands sperm. That's where the unfair part comes into play. I should be able to spend $0.00 getting pregnant so I can spend the thousands of dollars on my child. Instead of buying fancy cribs, strollers and adorable clothes, we'll spend the money to just get pregnant. Once we're pregnant, we'll struggle to keep clothes on our backs, but we'll have a child. A double edged sword. Doctor's visits to get pregnant, not to celebrate pregnancy.
Maybe I'm being whiny. Maybe I need to be grateful that we have options, some people don't. I'm not a selfish person, but for a couple days. I want to be selfish. I want to be allowed to feel miserable, even if other people have it worse than me.