I sucked at October. I didn't even look at November. Now, as I look at my desk and see my notes, I know what my theme for December is. Infertility. And to be honest, it's the theme for the rest of my life, not just this month.
Words that didn't mean anything to me last year, are suddenly all over. IUI. Low Morphology. Bad shape. Bad Quality. 42 days is not normal. Poor eggs after 28 days. Clomid.
Infertility.
It makes my stomach hurt. It makes me sick. I want to scream and stomp my feet and inform the world, like a small child, that it's not fair.
So, what's next? Weight loss and vitamins, then artificial insemination- using my husbands sperm. That's where the unfair part comes into play. I should be able to spend $0.00 getting pregnant so I can spend the thousands of dollars on my child. Instead of buying fancy cribs, strollers and adorable clothes, we'll spend the money to just get pregnant. Once we're pregnant, we'll struggle to keep clothes on our backs, but we'll have a child. A double edged sword. Doctor's visits to get pregnant, not to celebrate pregnancy.
Maybe I'm being whiny. Maybe I need to be grateful that we have options, some people don't. I'm not a selfish person, but for a couple days. I want to be selfish. I want to be allowed to feel miserable, even if other people have it worse than me.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Friday, October 4, 2013
Best Friends Forever
On November 7, 1997, I went to a skate party with this cool girl from my class, named Emily. Up until that point, she was the cool girl and I was the weird new girl. I never thought we'd be friends, but my mom offered to drive me and I invited Emily. Fast forward a few years, and here we are. We'll be celebrating 16 years of friendship next month. For me, that's an accomplishment. I think that most people might not think about friendships as being relationships, but they are!
Especially when you're a girl. Things haven't always been easy for Emily and I. There were times when we hated each other, times when we didn't talk and times when you couldn't separate us with a crowbar! Most marriages don't last as long as we've lasted. We've fought over boys, cried over the same boys and made dozens of cookies while we cried over other boys. When boys broke her heart, I was there. When my Grandpa died, she was beside me as fast as she could be. When her daughter was born, I was waiting down the street to meet her. When she fights with her ex or loses her toenail at 2 am, I'm the one she calls. When my siblings or family hurt my feelings, she curses them right alongside me and then forgives them as fast as I do. When her mom yells at her, the same goes. Our families belong to both of us now. Her sisters daughter is my niece and when my siblings have kids, they'll belong to Emily too. We piss each other off, we make each other laugh. She knows all my embarrassing moments, and I know hers. Our blackmail list is miles long, if we wanted to use it. She knows my secrets, I know hers. We are so lucky to have each other!
The other cool thing is, without even realizing it, we get to have that cool friendship that some people envy. In a few short years, I'll be one of those people who can say "My best friend for 20 years!" I may not have married my high school sweetheart (truth be told, I didn't have a high school sweetheart) but I can say, I'm still friends with my grade school best friend. We made it through the fire. We lasted when nobody else thought we would. I guess Emily is my high school sweetheart, for all intents and purposes. I wouldn't trade her for anyone. She's my best friend.
Especially when you're a girl. Things haven't always been easy for Emily and I. There were times when we hated each other, times when we didn't talk and times when you couldn't separate us with a crowbar! Most marriages don't last as long as we've lasted. We've fought over boys, cried over the same boys and made dozens of cookies while we cried over other boys. When boys broke her heart, I was there. When my Grandpa died, she was beside me as fast as she could be. When her daughter was born, I was waiting down the street to meet her. When she fights with her ex or loses her toenail at 2 am, I'm the one she calls. When my siblings or family hurt my feelings, she curses them right alongside me and then forgives them as fast as I do. When her mom yells at her, the same goes. Our families belong to both of us now. Her sisters daughter is my niece and when my siblings have kids, they'll belong to Emily too. We piss each other off, we make each other laugh. She knows all my embarrassing moments, and I know hers. Our blackmail list is miles long, if we wanted to use it. She knows my secrets, I know hers. We are so lucky to have each other!
The other cool thing is, without even realizing it, we get to have that cool friendship that some people envy. In a few short years, I'll be one of those people who can say "My best friend for 20 years!" I may not have married my high school sweetheart (truth be told, I didn't have a high school sweetheart) but I can say, I'm still friends with my grade school best friend. We made it through the fire. We lasted when nobody else thought we would. I guess Emily is my high school sweetheart, for all intents and purposes. I wouldn't trade her for anyone. She's my best friend.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Halloween Musings
Halloween is coming up. I've noticed, as I get older, holidays come up so faster than they did when I was little. It took years for Halloween to come around, now days, it takes seconds. If you need a minute to do the math, I'll give you a few.
I don't really dress up anymore. I love Halloween so much, but I hate trying to find a costume. I'm a big girl and every year the costumes seem to get...how do I say this tactfully? Sluttier.
My husband and I are dealing with infertility, so there are no little monsters lurking in our future. Halloween isn't as fun without kids around. My best friend has a little girl, my beautiful, smart, talented, stylish and witty niece, Riley. But she's in Kindergarten now and Halloween is a school night. I live 60 miles away. It puts a damper on my seeing her in her costume.
She has decided, she wants to be Doc McStuffins. When her mommy told me that, my reaction as a childless woman was...who the heck is that?!
I don't really dress up anymore. I love Halloween so much, but I hate trying to find a costume. I'm a big girl and every year the costumes seem to get...how do I say this tactfully? Sluttier.
My husband and I are dealing with infertility, so there are no little monsters lurking in our future. Halloween isn't as fun without kids around. My best friend has a little girl, my beautiful, smart, talented, stylish and witty niece, Riley. But she's in Kindergarten now and Halloween is a school night. I live 60 miles away. It puts a damper on my seeing her in her costume.
She has decided, she wants to be Doc McStuffins. When her mommy told me that, my reaction as a childless woman was...who the heck is that?!
Doc McStuffins is the little girl.
She'll be staying with me during fall break, so I'll try to get to know this character a little better. When Halloween comes around, her mommy will text me a picture and I'll show her off while I pass candy out to all the little monsters that show up at my dad's house (I live in a rural area, so children don't come to my house). Maybe next year, we'll have our own to show off.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Smells like Chocolate!
I don't intend to use the prompts for the rest of my blogging career (or hobby?) however, until my creative juices start flowing, I'm going to use them.
Honesty time: I was going to make brownies tonight anyway.
That being said, one of my favorite autumn scents is baking. Maybe it falls into the whole Thanksgiving thing or maybe it's because my Great-Grandma, Delaina, was a baking fiend around the holidays. I'm not sure. So, here we go.
Honesty time: I was going to make brownies tonight anyway.
That being said, one of my favorite autumn scents is baking. Maybe it falls into the whole Thanksgiving thing or maybe it's because my Great-Grandma, Delaina, was a baking fiend around the holidays. I'm not sure. So, here we go.
Tina's (that's me) Fabulous Chocolate Brownie Recipe Passed Down for Generations
AKA The Recipe Inside the Bakers Chocolate Box
(with Pictures!)
First of all, you'll need four squares of Baker's Semi-Sweet Chocolate
Add astickandahalfofbutter... Try as I might, there's no nice way to say 1 1/2 sticks of butter...
Melt it all together until...
It's lovely, gooey deliciousness...
Then you'll need all of this...
Some facts about me:
1. I am a flour snob. If I'm baking a cake or brownies, I want cake flour
2. I live in Arizona, it's real Mexican Vanilla for me. I accept no substitutions
3. I had to use white eggs because my foster dog killed my chickens today
Next you'll add just a little bit of sugar.... say 2 cups...
Then 3 eggs and a teaspoon of vanilla. I always add a splash extra.
A cup of my snobby white flour and mix it up. I usually fold it in. But I admitted to my snobbishness already.
Pour it into a 13x9" pan. Bake for 30-35 minutes (or 28 minutes in a convection oven)
And TA-DA!! Brownies. However, they don't exactly scream fall or autumn, so....
I added sprinkles!!
I know what you're thinking. I am a domestic goddess.
First Things First
It would happen, that on my first day of NaBloPoMo, I had the flu. It was the worst flu I've had in years. So, that being said, I'm going to have to do two posts today, in an attempt to make up for lost time. The theme of this month is FALL and lets face it, living in Arizona, I don't know much about autumn at all.
I have experienced the leaves changing though. We went to California for fall break a few years ago. The leaves were spectacular. Unfortunately, I haven't experienced them since and to be a honest, when I say a few years ago, it was really like 12 years ago.
My favorite thing about fall is obviously, my birthday!! On October 5, I will be 27 years old. I never thought I'd get to the point of being able to say that.
Aww. Doesn't that just make the proverbial ovaries ache? The nice thing about my birthday is that the weather is perfect right now!
Well...I also love October because of my Grandpa's birthday too. October 8.
So, there are 3 things I love about Fall and October. Not to mention, the changing weather, Oktoberfest (beer!) and Halloween. I'd have to say Fall is my favorite time of year. I guess this theme wont be so hard afterall!
I have experienced the leaves changing though. We went to California for fall break a few years ago. The leaves were spectacular. Unfortunately, I haven't experienced them since and to be a honest, when I say a few years ago, it was really like 12 years ago.
My favorite thing about fall is obviously, my birthday!! On October 5, I will be 27 years old. I never thought I'd get to the point of being able to say that.
Aww. Doesn't that just make the proverbial ovaries ache? The nice thing about my birthday is that the weather is perfect right now!
Well...I also love October because of my Grandpa's birthday too. October 8.
I was his favorite birthday present.
He passed away in 2009 and I miss him so much. We celebrated 22 birthdays together. It was so devastating to me when October 8 came around, that when I met this guy....
And he asked me to marry him, we decided to get married on October 8. In honor of my Grandpa.
So, there are 3 things I love about Fall and October. Not to mention, the changing weather, Oktoberfest (beer!) and Halloween. I'd have to say Fall is my favorite time of year. I guess this theme wont be so hard afterall!
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